A-ssay!!!

Yes!!! I know, the pun is sort of infamous, but it's not less accurate.

Remember the other good news I talked about on the last post? So... Last week we got the first essay back, graded and commented. 

Needless to say after this post not-subtle title that I got an A <3 (94).

I'm not sure if I'm regressing or something, but I even looked for information on the US grading system to see if it was an A+ lol. 

All this talk about grade instead of the process of writing proves how one can be a kind of academic Benjamin Button" instead of evolving. In my defense I should argue that the grading system does that to a student.

My insecurity in writing academically in English is another strong argument (as we're talking about argumentative essays and I've just finished the second one). It is not difficult to get things wrong while writing any text, specially an academic one. 

Theory is one thing, the practice an entirely different matter - Thiago highlighted this aspect at the end of last class. I'm very aware of such risks, and that's why writing is not an easy task for me - I question myself a lot.

Well, let's get to what is important here, the A-ssay :) 

As a proposed activity, the students are invited to post their essay on the blog created for this intent. I'm already writing a blog, so the teacher told me I could do it on my on blog. So, here it goes, the first graded essay on writing 3 class:

Censored Internet: An United States prerogative?

          

As the world grows wilder in the matter of online communication, several ethical issues emerge from Internet surveillance around the world. The subject has been in the center of the National Security Agency politics since September 11 and the consequent approval of the Patriot Act in 2001. More recently, the 2013 scandal of mass surveillance in the President Obama’s administration present the question of safety use of the Internet by regular citizens around the world dividing pro and against surveillance opinions. According to Daniel J. Gallington, on his editorial named “The Case for Internet Surveillance”[i], published in 2013 in the heat of the discussion, the United States are a special case, and the reasons for Internet monitoring in the country are different from the rest of the world. Contrary to this notion, however, is the consideration that, despite the particularity of each country, their economic, political and cultural affairs, Internet surveillance is a worldwide matter, and should be envisioned as such.

            Gallington’s first argument for a United States special circumstance is that in most countries the communication services are already under the government control, being owned or operated by the official powers, while in the US those services are provide mainly by the private sector. In the under democratic world, still according Gallington, Internet surveillance would be expected as a part of dictatorial governments, such as China. In this sense, Gallington’s view presents some misleading ideas. The one regarding the existence of a US private sector completely independent was proved wrong by the 2013 Obama’s surveillance scandal, showing to the world the strong government hold on communications in the US especially through the NSA.

            The second argument by which it is defended a different approach on Internet surveillance for the US is the state of anti-terrorism politics in the country. As a champion of freedom and democracy for the whole world, the US would figure as a protagonist on the fight against terrorism and dictatorial governments, in order to exterminate terrorism and other criminal acts from the world through controlled communications. Here lies the main term about the subject: the world. While defending a different approach on surveillance, the whole subject is referred as a world matter, and as such, it should be considered.

            As a extend from the former topic, Gallington’s last argument in favor of a different approach on Internet surveillance is that the US government did not betrayed the Internet threshold of freedom and privacy by focusing on those who are a menace for security of individuals, countries and even the world as a whole. In the name of safety, “these kind of people”, as referred by Gallington, should be constantly and effectively monitored. The question is how to separate “these people” from regular citizens, equally spied on their daily activities and communications. Therefore, here lies the question: Is there a clear separation between criminal agents and regular citizens, as many criminals are easily disguised as common people?

            Such question, as others around the subject, remain without a definite answer. As the debate develop around different point of views, one aspect becomes clearer: the United States, while a independent nation, are a part of the world, playing a hole in the international politics, economy and culture that affect other nations and citizens of different nationalities. The Internet surveillance performed by the United States under the Patriot Act, as proved in the Obama 2013 scandal, affects not only the American territory and citizens, but also a significant part of the world. Thus, the debate around the subject turns out to be worldwide, not only a national matter of the United States of America.

The guidelines on this specific task where on the textbook; The students had to choose one of the proposed subjects, and I opted for "Should Internet be monitored or censored? By who?" As the main idea for developing my arguments, I thought about Obama's 213 scandal on Internet Surveilance, and so I tryied to develope an argumentative essay rebuting the matter as a US prerogative. 

A monitor comented on the Essay, and it was an accurate review, I think. It helped me a lot on the writing of the second essay. Even if I'm insecure about this one too, I was more attentive to some aspects that passed me by on the first writing. I hope it works out okay - I'll tell you soon!

These were the comments on my essay: 

Criteria	Score	Suggestion
*It is not an Argumentative essay! (lacks TS,ts’s and overall argumentative essay structure) – max 5.5
Introduction – inviting - 1	1	Very good intro
Clarity of the thesis - 1	1
Objectivity of the thesis - 1	1
Support for the thesis in the developmental paragraphs (topic sentences) 1	0,8	Make topic sentences shorter and objective.
Argumentative pattern of organization of the essay - 1	1	Pattern A
Support for Argumentative essay (Development of supporting sentences) - 3	2,6	When refuting the argument, use logical arguments using evidences to do so. Avoid questions and implied information.
Coherence - transitions, key words - 1	1
Logical conclusion - 1	1	Good
TOTAL - 10	9,4	Essay well-structured and written, very clear and cohesive. Congratulations

  

I omitted the reviewer name and my own - talking about Internet surveillance, let's keep a bit of privacy here :)

Let me know what you thought about the essay and the review! Opinions are a helpful way to keep improving.

Stay tuned!

"Obama is checking your email"

PS: The textbook suggests a 7 paragraph essay, but ours has to be a 5 paragraph text: introduction, three development paragraphs and conclusion. The book presents some guidelines about writing the essay:

And Thiago posted a very helpful link about writing fallacies.